Better red than dead

I am sat writing this on an IBM Thinkpad model 240 sat on a bright red lofa. This sentence tells you the reader many things. One that I am a techy person who has friends who actually care what type of computer this was written on and two that I can't work out how to switch on my spell checker. The other question that should be in your mind is ‘why am I writing this at all?’ The reason is that I promised my wife that if 10,000 people visited her web site then I would write an article. For the sad person who visited 100's of times every day since that promise, this is your reward.

If you are smart enough to be confused as to why a techy person can't switch on a spell check then you should investigate Habbitat's marvelous sofa creation that is a 'Lofa', You could look at the Habittat web site but it is just shit Flash for Flash's sake so I am not even going to bother puting in a link. Mainly cos it is impossible to link to anything on the site. Grrrh.!

You can see my problem. Imagine that your wife has not just told a few friends about our amazing new lofas but in fact the WHOLE bloody world. Now imagine that they (lofas not the whole world) turn up and you can't get the long one into the flat. The 3 seater lofa on its end is taller than the doorway. The doorway is at the end of a corridor on the left hand side. Once into the corridor the lofa on its end can not even rotate through 360 degrees the corridor is too narrow. Just leave it there I tell the delivery people. I have a cunning plan. They look at me thankfully and run away. That evening my neighbour comes home to find his doorway, which is opposite mine, blocked by the lofa. ‘If you just open your door then I'll push the bottom in to your flat and swing the top down into mine and it will be fine’.

It is not fine.

‘Just send it back’ says the wife. ‘I can't do this’ I explain. I remember the conversation with the shop. 'Are you sure it will fit' they say. 'Yes' I said confident in my lie.' You do know we charge 20% if we have to bring it back?' they say. Strange how horribly clear your memories are when you remember being such an idiot as you signed the papers.' Why not?' says the wife. 'Because we have removed all the wrapping?' I bluff, struggling to repress aforementioned memories. 'Anyway I'll just do what we always do in situations like this' I further bluff. 'I'll just make the door taller'!

'You will need a bigger hammer' says my friend. He fetches said tool and he hands it over with the words 'this is a good hammer' just as he would when giving me a glass of his best scotch. 'Er thanks I'll er look after it' I say realising that we both know what I am actually going to do is to use it to hit other things very hard indeed.

I give up hitting things very hard indeed at 11.00pm. The next morning the staff get to admire half a hole above their heads as they squeeze past the still stuck lofa. No one laughs; this is one of the benefits of being the boss. Hey bonus! I reason I have budget of £160 to solve this problem and promptly go and spend on new toy… er I mean powered reciprocating electric saw.

Twenty minutes later I have covered myself the stairs and the new lofa in a lot of dust as I cut the other half of the hole like a hot knife though butter. Somewhat reluctant to stop cutting things with new found power tool I nevertheless Dyson all surfaces and triumphantly deliver sofa to final resting place. I lie down ready to strenuously test all possible slouching positions and await the acclaim of adoring wife.